Wendy Mogel is a psychologist who focused her efforts on counseling harried families looking for help with child rearing. Frustrated by her sense that efforts to provide assistance to families was not yielding satisfactory solutions for them or for her, she went in search of other approaches to add to her tool bag. Eventually she found her way to Judaism's teachings, from which she distilled nine blessings, and she relays her story and the blessings in The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.
Mogel's book had been on my radar for awhile, but I had been reluctant to read it, as I thought it might be overly dogmatic when it came to pushing a religious approach to parenting. The full name is The Blessing of a Skinned Knee – Using Jewish Teaching to Raise Self-Reliant Children. Turns out, I was rather off in my uninformed pre-assessment!
The ideas Mogel espouses resonate with me on two levels – as a parent and as a teacher. Essentially, she is saying that kids thrive when they are given time to be themselves (curious, relaxed, introverted, extroverted, loud, quiet, exploratory, playful – you get the idea). However, they do need consistent and tempered boundaries to help them develop into mindful adults. Not too many of us would disagree with either of these ideas. With that said, Mogel has run into many parents who, often with good intentions, are trying to mold their children into something other than what their children are. And these same parents are attempting to discipline via democratic principles and seeing themselves as friends with their children, rather than placing a stake in the ground as the adults in charge of child rearing.
As Mogel delved into the study of Judaism, she encountered many tenets that she could apply to her counseling practice, and she presents the tenets as blessings described in a straight-forward, non-reproachful style, complete with anecdotes and personal reflections. She is not lecturing, just sharing guidance. Here are the nine blessings:
- The Blessing of Acceptance: Discovering Your Unique and Ordinary Child
- The Blessing of Having Someone to Look Up To: Honoring Mother and Father
- The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Why God Doesn't Want You to Overprotect Your Child
- The Blessing of Longing: Teaching Your Child an Attitude of Gratitude
- The Blessing of Work: Finding the Holy Sparks in Ordinary Chores
- The Blessing of Food: Bringing Moderation, Celebration, and Sanctification to Your Table
- The Blessing of Self-Control: Channeling Your Child's Yetzer Hara
- The Blessing of Time: Teaching Your Child the Value of the Present Moment
- The Blessings of Faith and Tradition: Losing Your Fear of the G Word and Introducing Your Child to Spirituality
Two notes on the blessings. The first has to do with #3, which is also the book title. I once heard an independent school head share an anecdote about summer vacation. In the process of exiting a building, the head was walking down a short flight of steps, when suddenly the head tripped and fell. Ultimately, the head was okay, but the lesson the head chose to share with faculty was "You can never be too careful." That lesson always struck me as being conservative and overprotective; it left no room for risk taking, exploration, discovery. The lesson I would have taken is "You can fall down and get up again." Hence, Mogel's Blessing of a Skinned Knee.
The second note relates to #7. If you are like me, the term Yetzer Hara is not in your daily vocabulary. Yetzer Hara is the "impulse for evil" and is balanced by the Yetzer Tov, "impulse for good". Mogel explains that the yetzer hara is a positive because "it is made up of some of our most robust traits. Curiosity, ambition, and passionate desire all derive their energy from the yetzer hara. … While the yetzer hara should be treated with extreme watchfulness, it must not be eliminated…it is our juice, our spark, our zip." Hence, as parents we need to learn how to help our children channel their yetzer hara energy.
For more of my thoughts about this book, I invite you to read The Blessing of a Skinned Knee on my yogajournal blog.